It has been a long week in the W house.

It is hard to know how to put things in words at time.

Let's just say that living in this broken world sucks at time. And it is hard to watch your children, who have had to deal with harder things then I have at 32. Hard to watch them trying to grasp poverty and death and the wealth of this nation compared to wealth of the world. To tell your children that there is a good chance their mom would still be alive if she had lived here. To try and get their minds to grasp these things brings out many things-anger, disobedience, sadness, an emptiness in their eyes. And then to try and parent them, with a mixture of grace and mercy.

Hard hard stuff.

But good too? Does that sounds odd? To see them wrestle and then to see the beauty that comes? Sometime the glimpse is so small, maybe even just a few seconds. That if I blink, I could miss it. And I do many times.

But healing does come. And God DOES work all things together for the good of those who love him. Oh if you only knew how many times a day I have to say that truth to myself. To remind myself that if God promised it, it IS true.

I am always worried about how to be honest about what is going on. I never want things to be painting things beautifully when there is pain and hurt. But I don't want to be so cynical that my kids read back through this as adults and feel they were trapped in a world of yelling, crying and despair. And they are at an age where people read and bring it up when we see them. So for them to hear "So, which kid was giving you trouble this week?" Yeah, you can figure out how well that goes over. :)

And for people reading, I hate thinking that you would read something like this, after B and J have been hear 5.5 years and think adoption may not be for you. But a wise woman reminded me this week that I don't have as much power as I think (ahh....to be put in your place :) ) and that if God is moving on someone's heart to adopt, they will not be scared away by a little truth.

I love my kids. I would give my live for them. And if I don't learn patience by the time they are 18, I have decided that learning patience is not possible in this world. :)